Moving Through → Loss/“Pain”
Written by Cara Barth, CTA-Certified Life Coach-Specializing in Grief and Loss
This current series of discussions around the grief cycle are rooted in that idea that Knowledge = Strength. Breaking down the process of grief into palatable parts through the two previous discussions gave empowering key points such as:
Everyone goes through seasons of life;
Change is the only certainty;
We are not alone in our process and therefore need to find grace in the “growing pains” each place holds;
The grief cycle may be triggered by any of life’s transitions, good or “bad;”
Grief patterns are not “defined” transitions but rather touch points; and
There are “Six Transitional Patterns” that are foundational.
With all this in mind, I will unpack one of the first patterns of grief further: Loss/“Pain.”
When we look at the term “loss” it seems self-explanatory. However, I have come to understand that loss felt through some of life’s transitions has depth, and we need to “peel the onion” to look at all the layers! A perceived loss will usually cause a physical and/or emotional “pain” as well. The two seem to be companions of each other—it’s hard to experience loss without a visceral and/or emotional sensation of some sort.
Take for example a divorce (or break-up). There is the loss of a life that one thought would take place, loss of dreams, possible loss of income, loss of companionship, loss of security, etc. With these losses comes the emotional pain of questions like:
What will my life look like without this person?
How will I make or supplement my income?
Who will I spend time with?
As the emotions escalate so does the physical response. Some examples might be the “divorce cough,” which I personally experienced (for 2 years) and have now observed in my clients. This is a condition where one feels as though there is a dry place in the back of the throat all of the time and nothing can relieve it. Many folks lose significant amounts of weight when going through the divorce process. Both are physical manifestations of the body and mind under duress after a significant loss pattern. Losses create pain. Whether it’s emotional, physical, cognitive, or spiritual we all experience some type of transitional “undoing.”
I would be misguiding if I didn’t mention a final triggered “bedfellow” of Loss/”Pain” and that would be “Fear.” Fear is “a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc.”—whether the threat is real or imagined.
It’s not a terrible thing to feel fear when faced with the unknown. It is part of being alive and something we all share. We react against the possibility of loneliness, of death, or not having anything to hold on to.
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.”
– Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart—Heart Advice for Difficult Times
We will continue to unpack conversations around each of the “Six Transitional Grief Patterns” over the next six weeks. While you take the time to dig into this first pattern of loss, consider the following graphic and ask: “Where am I in this process?”
As I close this discussion, I want to leave you with two thoughts: The Lord knew we would go through the process of Loss/”Pain” and ultimately experience Fear, BUT in knowing this, He sent a message: Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6) For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)