New Beginnings:
Moving Through → Reorganization/”Forgiving”
→ Recovery/”Gratitude”
Written by Cara Barth, CTA-Certified Life Coach-Specializing in Grief and Loss
As we proceed through our series built around the stages of grief, which include:
Loss/“Pain” → Shock/“Anger” → Protest/“Remembering” → Disorganization/“Guilt” → Reorganization/“Forgiving” → Recovery/“Gratitude”
we become increasingly aware of how fluid this whole process can be. We seem to float in and out of these stages as we are learning and growing, while everything seems to be shifting. I believe that Dan Moseley speaks to this quite well in his book Lose-Love-Live, when he says, “The way to new life, or the way to living without the presence of someone or something that has been significant, requires that a person live through several dimensions of life.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, these are all “touch points” that help us get our bearings as we wrestle with our new identities.
With all the above in mind, a number of psychology models describing grief refer to the next grief stage as “resolution,” “recovery,” “re-establishment,” or what I like to refer to it as “Reorganization.” A lot of models see this stage as being the final destination of your grief journey. I beg to differ with this idea of “closure.” Through my own grief events, as well as my observation of others, the truth as I see it, is that we are forever changed and the old sense of “normalcy” has been altered. How can you have an “end” when the journey is always changing and becoming a new one? You are reorganizing daily the awareness of things to come and how you will fit into this new equation.
To me, “Reorganization” is a more appropriate term for this stage of the process. With the courage one finds to reorganize, a renewed sense of energy and confidence emerges. We become re-involved with the activities of living this new life. I do not see this as an ending point but a fabulous new beginning! The work that is done to get to this stage is extensive. What was understood at the “head” level has now sunk in and is accepted within the “heart.” Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD in Understanding Your Grief wrote, “To experience reconciliation requires that you descend, not transcend. You don’t get to go around or above your grief. You must go through it. And while you are going through it, you must express it if you are to reconcile yourself to it.”
A hidden gift of this process is a “forgiving spirit.” Once we have struggled and identified the experiences of our humanity and the humanity of others, we find ourselves being more gracious toward others and ourselves. This breeds a sense of compassion for others who are in pain as well. When we are no longer dependent on what we have lost for our sense of well-being and identity, we soften. When I say that we become more forgiving, I do not mean we have to forget or that we are free from our memories. Actually, remembering the loss should become a part of who are and is a catalyst for self-understanding. However, forgiving allows the memory of the loss to shape what we do with our future BUT not control the path. Whether our loss was by choice or by circumstances, anger and guilt will be a part of the process of grief. The power of that anger and guilt to control our future will lesson if we allow forgiveness to be a part of our future life.
“I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.”
–Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner
The final area of the grief journey is Recovery/ “Gratitude”. The whole concept of feeling a sense of “Recovery/Gratitude” may sound very foreign in the dialogue of grief. However, when the journey is embraced and the path becomes the goal NOT the final destination, we begin to find gratitude and appreciation in our transformation. Dan Moseley speaks to this quite well in his book Lose-Love-Live and says, “When you have struggled through the pain and anger of a loss and have allowed the forgiving spirit to begin to do its work, then you begin to discover gratitude. You will know that forgiveness of yourself and/or others has begun when you can look at the past and find gifts for which you are grateful.”
Now let me make this perfectly clear; to recognize your recovery and be grateful in the midst of a loss, does not take the value of what was lost away—we simply begin to unfold a deep understanding that there are doors that open when other doors have closed. Gratitude helps us grow into the reality of our lives for what they have become and not simply too long for the “loss.” Everyone loses! After a loss, it’s our responsibility to live. How we choose to move into our “newness” is the key. Will it be in bitterness or gratitude? Some seem to find a joy in the new life they enter into, while others live in the fear that allowing themselves to live fully will expose them to pain again. Some people even begin to form their identity around the sadness—it feeds them. They get the attention they want from others because they are, “so sad.” When we allow a transition to move us, push us into those painful places, then can the deep and inner awakening happen which makes growth, recovery and gratitude immeasurable. My prayer is that everyone knows such a peace with the transitional processing and not form an identity of “hopelessness,” “misery,” and “sorrow.”
Regardless of where you currently are in your healing process, the journey through grief is life-changing! You will never be the same person that you were before this life event happened. You may cling and claw to what you want to remain but it will be like trying to hug the wind. Changes and sorrow are an inseparable dimension of our human experience. Through our suffering, we are transformed. When you do all the work of transitional grief processing, you will discover a new self and life beyond the loss emerging within.
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable”
–Helen Keller
Finally, please remember that the journey of growth through loss does not always happen sequentially. There will be good days and bad days. Growing into your “newness,” you will start to have more energy for future ventures and there will be less time spent in the painful places. This reorganizing and progression plays out in bits and pieces. Be open to it when it comes; see it as a breath of fresh air to help you sore above and beyond past perspectives. Heal well my friends!